Let’s open today with a reason to be cheerful:
The Onion wins. The satirical news outlet has bought right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ hate-full InfoWars empire at bankruptcy auction.
■ Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting victims’ families—beneficiaries of the sale, in compensation for Jones’ defamation— bolstered The Onion’s bid by agreeing to forgo part of what he owes.
■ The Onion says its “exclusive launch advertiser” will be the gun violence prevention organization Everytown for Gun Safety.
■ Its satiric explanation: “InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us.”
Republican ‘panic.’ President-elect Trump’s selection of now ex-Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz as attorney general has, in Politico’s words, “totally bigfooted Republicans’ plans for a show of unity” …
■ … potentially putting Gaetz in charge of a department that NPR notes as recently as last year was investigating him for possible sex trafficking …
■ Gaetz quit Congress yesterday—possibly derailing a pending and reportedly damning House Ethics Committee investigation of charges he engaged in sex with a minor.
■ Whether he gets the job will be determined by a Republican-controlled Senate. (Cartoon: Jack Ohman.)
■ CNN’s Stephen Collinson: Trump’s aiming to outrage Washington with his Cabinet picks.
■ Columnist Julia Gray has some alternate cabinet suggestions for Trump—including “a big sack of boogers.”
■ Law professor Joyce Vance: “Trump is sending an early message to the Senate about what he expects from them: Total fealty, total loyalty.”
■ Message Box columnist Dan Pfeiffer: “Trump is making the classic mistake of … overplaying his hand.”
■ Stephen Colbert: “During the campaign, I thought that if Trump won, he’d do the worst things I could imagine. Turns out, I don’t have much of an imagination.”
‘A national security risk.’ The Atlantic’s Tom Nichols says Trump’s choice for director of national intelligence, former Democratic Rep. Tulsi Gabbard, has been “an apologist for both the Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad and Russia’s Vladimir Putin.”
■ David Dayen at The American Prospect: Trump’s cabinet “won’t be setting policy. That will be reserved for … the internal White House appointees that Trump has made in parallel.”
■ Republicans have secured narrow control of the House—giving them full control of Congress and the White House for the first time since 2018.
Word of the day. Kakistocracy—a society governed by the worst and least qualified …
■ … as in: Gov. Pritzker and Colorado’s Gov. Jared Polis are assembling a coalition of governors to fight the kakistocracy.
■ Everyone Is Entitled to My Own Opinion’s Jeff Tiedrich: “We’re going to need a double-shitload of leaders like JB.”
■ Chicago magazine’s Ted McClelland: “Chicago, the bluest of blue cities, is getting Trumpier.”
■ Columnist Eric Zorn: Trump’s victory was no mandate.
■ Chicago-born author, journalist and filmmaker Jonathan Alter: “All democracy asks is that you set aside a little time for citizenship. If you’re a writer, that means bearing witness, as writers in even the most repressive societies do. If you’ve got some spare cash, it means helping the nascent pro-democracy movement and the lawyers suing to stop Trump’s carnage. … If you’ve got a spare attic, it might mean sheltering immigrants who have lived here for decades but face deportation. It will probably mean taking to the streets for millions, as pro-democracy forces have worldwide.”
‘Making kissy-kissy with a Nazi doesn’t turn down the temperature.” Wonkette’s appalled that President Biden “normalized” Trump in their White House meeting.
■ Jordan Klepper at The Daily Show: “You spent the whole campaign calling him a fascist threat to democracy. It’s a little weird to now be like, ‘Well, give us a call if you need any help, Mr. Hitler.’”
‘A piece of shit, no doubt.’ But Eric Zorn calls doxxing—notably, the posting of the home address of white supremacist, Holocaust denier and Adolf Hitler fanboy Nick Fuentes—“a dangerous practice that can easily be turned back on those who employ it.”
■ A woman says Fuentes assaulted her as she approached the front steps of his Berwyn home.
Hey, Mr. Mayor: Don’t forget about lawsuits against the cops. WBEZ: Mayor Johnson’s proposed police budget continues a longtime practice of undercounting what the city’s likely to have to pay out when police go bad.
■ Police are on the lookout for robbers traveling in stolen Maseratis, armed with guns and responsible for two waves of robberies over the past month—from the Loop to the University of Chicago.
Nurses out. University of Illinois Hospital nurses have launched a strike of indefinite length.
■ Journalism critic and ProPublica founder Dick Tofel: With the election over, how about covering public health?
■ Columnist Neil Steinberg updates his diabetes odyssey, an exercise “in confusion and uncertainty.”
Abortion confidentiality. The Markup offers a guide to keeping pregnancy status private in any state.
■ 404 Media: A popular pregnancy-tracking app bears serious security flaws, one of which allows full takeover of a user’s account and exposure of sensitive reproductive health information.
After Twitter X, what? Popular Information offers a guide to the alternatives.
■ Tech columnist Matthew Ingram takes a critical look at Bluesky (where you’ll find your Chicago Public Square columnist here).
■ Gizmodo: “Americans are using the dumbest possible passwords.”
■ Google’s footing the bill to move the CTA’s Clark/Lake entrance at the former Thompson Center from Lake Street to an easier-to-access spot along Clark Street.
‘Awful.’ Critic Richard Roeper gives an apt one star to the new Christmas comedy movie, Red One …
■ … already one of the year’s worst-reviewed movies on Rotten Tomatoes.
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■ Peggy Stewart Wilson and Mike Braden made this edition better.